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[07 Aug 2004|02:14pm] |
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today has been the longest day ever...i felt liek such a moron before cuz i was cookin french fries over the stove and i guess a pieceof food was on the stove part and it was smokin so i used the spatcula covered in oil..to wipe tht shit off and the whoel thign went on fire. i swear im sucha dork! anyway my mom finally decided to leave the house-i hate her so much. i talked to brad earlier and hopefully we can see eachother for a lil bti cuz its his birthday but i doubt i can. cuz ya kno i get grounded ofr gettin fired--real cool huh? i need to take a shower...;)
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[05 Aug 2004|04:17pm] |
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went to school today-well kinda. we had to leave at 8 for jessicas funeral and class started at 7:40 so a bunch of us just walked around and left. i was so sad. at church i thought i was gonna pass out! i was gettin lighgtheaded nad almost passed out cuz we had to stand forever and i guess i was dehydrated or sumthin. then we went over to grifkas and got higher than shit. ryan and brad almost fought today becasue im nto really supposed to be talking to brad cuz me and reyan we gonna get back together but i dont know if i want that ya kno?? well brad asked ot see my schedule so i gave it to hima nd then ryan got up in his face and shit. i dunno i hate that. then i told ryan that im not gonna stop talking to brad cuz hes liek my first love and its so hard to not talk to him. then he called me and was like i dont think were ognna get bakc together so i was liek whatever. cuz its really not a big deal b ut it just kinda sucks. i dunno tho im lookin forward to being single..;)
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[22 Jul 2004|11:49pm] |
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i never asked for any of this...to fall in love with someone knowing they would die for you and you might just be crazy enough to do the same thing-BUT somehow i find myself looking back at the way things used to be between us and i wonder how long we could have lastedif i hadnt fucked things up.i mean there wasnt even a good enough reason for it ya kno? i guess i wasnt ready for a love like this. now ive got ryan and hes got this 12 yr old so everything should be fine right?? gosh i remember the night out at hamiltons when the girls told me they saw brad all over this girl..i just wanted to cry so bad. her names kelly and shes a fucking loser..the bitch goes to my school and i dont even know her so she cant be that great...the same kelly that imed me when i was on brads s/n a couple days before...i jsut couldnt breathe when i saw them together at the fucking party when they pulled up. my heart literally crumbled to the ground, i had no idea what to do so i grabbed the nearest budlight chugged that bitch and went over there..i was gonna beat her ass but being shes a fucking PUSSY i never got to :( i talked to brad that night and we cried our eyes out and she walked away..but i have a lot of respect fo rbrad just because he was there for me when no one else was there..so i didnt do it the bitch didnt even look at me the whole night. i dont know what my problem is im just so glad that brad is still my best friend ;)
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[20 Jul 2004|07:41pm] |
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i guess there are some things ill never understand...like why everyone fucks you over-regardless if youre their sister. or why your mother says horrible things to you knowing that she hates it everytime you take a breath. why one minute everything is perfect and the next everyones screaming and tellingyou how much they hate you. maybe one day ill figure everything out so i never make the same mistakes they did-so i never hurt the people ill have to be with the rest of my life. one day everything will be perfect but that days not coming anytime soon-i can tell...
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[29 May 2004|04:18pm] |
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i am at a blank space for meanings to my actions. im doing it.. yet i cant even explain it. i get jealous and then i go and do the same thing. is it because im mad? or because i just cant take it. im so sick of everything.
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[28 May 2004|03:43pm] |
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when everything falls down around you. and you're the only one left to pick yourself up, everything gets so complicated. i figure closing my eyes doesnt make anything go away. my heart races and for this reason i am unable to sleep.
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[28 May 2004|03:39pm] |
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for some reason i always find myself contemplating my life. nothing i do, nothing i say is ever good enough. or right for that matter. and thats just too bad. i dont need acceptance from anyone. so im sitting here. wondering how things can get so bad so quick, just based upon the littlest decisions i make. its not as if i did this on purpose, because i didn't. i dont mean to get myself into these situations, or other people for that matter. but it always seems to work out that way. im sorry that im not perfect, and that most of the time i dont think before i do things... and that's something about me that i will never understand. i can realize it, but yet i still do nothing about it. i don't mean to hurt people, especialy myself but i guess that's something i'm going to have to learn to fix. i don't see anything wrong with the things i do until i see the affect that it has on people. their reactions. pretty much the whole cause and effect thing. and i don't like it. right now i wish i could go back and change things... even if they're wrong or right... because i don't want to have to sit here and write this just to make myself feel better. everything i've tried to do in the past 20 minutes to make myself feel better is useless. maybe one day i'll be able to figure all of this out. and be good but as hard as i've been trying, i cant find an answer.
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[13 May 2004|10:50pm] |
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today was a pretty awkward day i guess...things dont even turn out the way i want then to..i wanted me and ryan to be perfect in every way but we had our first little argument today. at lunch justin dave and beasley were all sayin how ryan did shit with this one girl in the bathroom. its no big deal cuz i used to be dumb like that too, but i didnt think he was like that ya kno?? so it got me thinking that he was totally different than who i thought he was...i talked to him after school and said that when he picked me up i had to talk to him abotu something...well he calls me in the middle of volleyball practice (i was finally allowed to go damnit) and he said he wanted to pick me up then. so i wait for him outside and jeff gets out of the front seat an dim like 'aww ur gonna let me sit in the fron this time??" and he goes no ryan needs to talk to you. and i so thoug thhe was gonna break up with me, i didnt kno why he would but ya kno..well we get in the car and it turns out jeff moore was tellin ryan how i was all over brad an di write notes to him and allt his other shit. and i was like WTF?? i mean i still talk to him of course but there no attraction anymore. and then i told ihm what i had to tell him and i was in a bad mood..i hate fighting!! but we made up and i left my phone in his car so we were gonna hang out after i went food shopping with my mom and then my mom said i couldnt! i was so pissed so i only saw him for 10 mins when he dropped it off..tomorrow were hanging out..i really like this kid! ;)
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[05 May 2004|10:00am] |
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im getting suspended for the dumbest reason...for being tardy 7 times! i should be going to my 8 hrs saturday school but im not going to so ill just get suspended for 5 days-which is fine with me i hate going to school every morning.i have a saturday this week for 4 hrs an then i have and eight hour the next weekend which is so fucking gay. i cant stand it. its so boring too because all you do i sit at the tabnle for 4 hours an du cant look around or put ur head down and u can talk or write notes. oh yea ryan supposed to get his license today-he better or ill be pissed.
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[04 May 2004|11:49pm] |
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i scrunched my hair this morning cuz ryan likes it..were so cute! i fell asleep in 4th pd today so these fags drew all over my back as an attempt to flirt which is really GAY if u ask me..went to 5th pd i have that class with brad. he pissed me off so bad because hesbeen a dick to me and i mean i guess i never expected him to not love me anymore ya kno?? altho i found ryan i just never thought it would happen. ryan came and got me after school today after i waited for 30 mins! we went to my house and n o one was home so we told jeff to drop us off and to come back before 5 cuz thats when my momwas coming home..well we were makin out i gues su can say, for about an dhour and my mom comes home..me and ryan almost shit ourselves cuz were so scared of getting caught. i mean not like its a big deal bu tmy mom is weird bout those things. but anyway i made him go in the garge until we left to go pick up my check and then he went out the backdoor..tha was the first time he came to my house so im sure he got a good impression lol. me and my mom had to drop my brother the fatass off at basketball practice so we did that and then i was messing with my mom the whole time..it was so funny cuz she was gettin PISSED...! then ryan called me tonight and we talked for a few hours-i love this kid! he gets his license tomm hopefully :)
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[03 May 2004|09:17pm] |
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i called brad today...maybe because i miss him or just because i was bored and ryan wasnt outta school yet. :( i dont want brad though so i dunno whats goin on..then brad calle dme and i hung up on him because i didnt want to talk-he called me back a lil later and asked if i had found his hat that he left over here..no i havent found it and if i did i doubt ill give it to him just because i bought it and i dont want him to hold those things close to him anymore. i wish ryan would call me already i hate his job!
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[03 May 2004|10:11am] |
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and so today is another shitty day. got in trouble with the school again for skipping 2nd pd..im sure theres a saturday waiting in the office ;) i swear i am so sick of school..it sucks even more just because ryan doesnt go here. now i prolly wont be able to see him at all today because all the deans have been catching people without lunch passes and im one of those people that dont have one. this whore ashley keeps trying to tell everyone that she went out with ryan and all this shit-which i dont care about because ive been out wiht outher people ya kno..but then today she was like yea i saw him the other day at work and he was all tryin to make out with me..let me find out and ill beat both of their asses. lol. today i get to go shopping..thats bout the only good thing that comes out of this day. oh yea did i mention my little brother stole money from me..REAL CUTE!! i absoultely LOVE my life..!
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[28 Apr 2004|05:18pm] |
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just talked to ryan...im glad i met him hes so sweet. brad is really jealous and i feel bad but oh well now hes my best friend..school is stil boring as ever...
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[27 Apr 2004|05:25pm] |
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i am so bored...
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[27 Apr 2004|01:25pm] |
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no school for me today!!
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